Letters to The Men in My Life

Dear Husband,

Happy Anniversary, dear.

For three years you've called me wife and I've called you husband, hubby, lovey... and most affectionately... "round head." Well, your head is quite round. While I was pregnant, you called me, "Round Belly," and I think now that I am no longer carrying a child, you should refrain from this errr, endearment.

This morning as I was finishing up the task of changing your son's diaper, I walked out of his room and past the bathroom, noticing something quite disturbing. One wet towel, a pair of boxers and one pair of shorts. You left your laundry on the floor again... right next to a rather empty hamper. We're been living together in what I can only call, ALMOST paradise for five wonderous years now. In that time, I can only imagine that I have told you a hundred or so times that of all the things you could possibly do, leaving laundry on the bathroom floor is the only thing that causes me to become enraged. (Wait, enraged? Is that too much? No! It's not too much. Because after five years, it's gone from, "Gee, that's annoying," to "PLEASE stop doing that," and finally to, "Motivator, please take care of this habit of yours before I cut off your balls and feed them to you.")

Anyhow, I thought you should know that you did it again, and I can only assume that you think it's funny. You probably think I've been kidding all these years, that I actually lovingly look at your laundry every morning on the bathroom floor and think of how lucky I am to be able to pick these articles of dirty clothing up for you.

Well, I'd like to reiterate to you today, on our anniversary... that I don't. And in case I didn't make myself clear, let me tell you that I will cut off your balls and feed them to you for dinner tonight if you don't start picking up after yourself in the mornings.

Whew. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Now we can celebrate our marital bliss.

Your Loving Wife,
Sheri


Dear Son,

Please learn from yoru father's mistakes of you will one day meet the same fate.

Oh, and that was a very good poopie this morning. I'm so proud of you!

Your Loving Mommy.